And the Award for Worst Award Show Ever Goes To…


How freaking awful were the Oscars last night? Thank goodness I had a party in which my fabulous friends all came in their red carpet best (including my friend Sarah who ROCKED amazing Black Swan eye makeup and a feather skirt and tiara!) With champagne, caviar, pizza and a super critical eye we yelled at the TV and everything coming down the red carpet.  What the hell is going on with celebrity stylists these days? BO-RING. I want gasp-worthy fashion to come back to the red carpet (think past gowns like Cate Blanchett in that yellow Valentino, Nicole in her acid green embroidered Dior and MIchelle Williams in that yellow Wang with the red lip!)  Last night was a lot of “oh she looks pretty” or “that sucks” but nothing really AMAZING.

Mila Kunis looked so lovely in her violet Ellie Saab. We were trying to figure out what was going on in the boob area with the lace, but whatever it was it worked for her. Perfect amount of accessories, Oscar-worthy hair and subtle but sexy makeup.

I have no idea who Jennifer Lawrence is (did anyone see Winter’s Bone?) but she rocked this red Calvin Klein so hard. I wish she had some statement earrings or a big cuff but she really does look hot. The men at the party (well, the ones that like women) were all “who IS that?”

This killed me because it was so close and then got RUINED.  Whoever put that necklace on her needs to be locked in solitary confinement today. The L’Wren Scoot gown is GORGEOUS- imagine it with her hair up, no necklace and some amazing sapphire earrings? AHHHH- why why why???

Hilary looked SO gorgeous in this Gucci (which does NOT look like Gucci!) But are the jewelers on strike this year? Why the lack of bling? She needs earrings with this look- even small ones!

And make way for Oscar Barbie! I really disliked this look- the gown looked very 1993 and the hair looked like those clip on ponytails they sell at carts in the mall. I love Reese, but this was not good. Remember THIS post-divorce-I’m-so-hot look she rocked at the Oscars year back? She needs more of that in her life.

Scarlett’s new hairdo looked super sexy but that cranberry Dolce & Gabanna? ICK. The back was hot, but front the front it was a hot MESS.

Gwynnie looked radiant in this Calvin Klein (I would have nixed heinous earrings and brooch on the hip had I been her stylist). That front slit is sexy as heck.

But I loved her even more in the Michael Kors I blogged about during Fashion Week even more. But ENOUGH with the singing at every damn awards show! Especially when it sounds like it did last night (cue ear bleeding). Please stick to acting and GOOP, darling.

This girl has been one of the most consistently best dressed of the entire awards season!!! So appropriate, so chic and plain pretty!

Camila looks amazing in this black gown with the gorgeous earrings but needs to tell Matthew to lay off the tanning. I think we have a new George Hamilton on our hands.

Sandra looked so unhappy and severe last night. I’m sure there aren’t the happiest of memories for her of the Oscars last year considering that whole showdown with her repulsive ex-husband. But I like her when she is styled softer. I hope she had a lot of cocktails.

Natalie FINALLY looked her gorgeous self last night- and right in time to pick up a gold statue too. Loved those tassel earrings and the gown was such a great color on her.

Halle Berry could wear a sack of manure and look fierce. This dress was super pretty but I feel like I’ve seen it before. I’d love to see her in a really bold color.

Mandy Moore looked really elegant but this color just washes people out in my opinion. To rock nude like this you have to have a skin tone like Jessica Alba in 2006.

Did you see the shot of Michelle Williams when they were announcing best actress? She literally GLOWS in this super-human way! That was the only moment of the show that really took my breath away. She makes me wish I could rock a pixie cut.

Oh Anne. I have a lot to say about you and your hosting job and as my celebrity doppelganger I have to love you.  This Valentino was her best outfit of the night, but I prefer her hair darker. More on AH later.

Is that you Jennifer Hudson??? Holy Jenny Craig Batman! She look amazing in this orange Versace gown but her boobs kind of look like they want to break free and go find a McDonalds. Don’t lose any more weight JHud, you’re cut off.

WORST DRESSED!!!! Are you kidding me with this origami bridal thingy??? And the red shoes??? Of all the gorgeous gowns in the world at your fingertips this is what you wear to the Oscars? Color me confused because I do not think anyone finds this look flattering or pretty.  At least Keith got his highlights touched up for the event…. ;)

While I hear her performance was great, this one is a bit of a nut job, no? Hate this dress. Like grandma’s doily meets Patriot’s linebacker uniform. And her mock modesty/shock on stage didn’t help win me over…

Penelope JUST had a baby. That’s obvious. Props to her for strutting the carpet so soon afterward- even if my husband was nominated I’d be in sweats on my sofa like “oh hell no…”

Now to the most contested gown of the night. Cate Blanchett is probably the most gorgeous woman on earth- her hair and makeup were stunning and the colors and skirt of this gown are spectacular on her. However we cannot ignore the sci-fi boob frame. And the shoulders. If anyone can pull this haute couture look off it’s her, but I wish it were beaded all over the chest OR that it were halter style….

The two people I missed on the carpet but looked pretty good were Rachel Roy in red/pink- my favorite color combo and Sharon Stone, whose gown was awesome but hair was a bit much.

So the opening montage with Anne and James was great, but it really did go downhill from there (minus being shocked by how good Anne’s voice is). James seemed high as a kite and kind of annoyed to be hosting. Anne was like a hyper cheerleader screaming “please like me! please like me!” Not good. Where is the petition to sign for Robert Downey Jr. to host next year??

Hope you all had a fun Oscar night!

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